Lets attempt a joke thread


#1

And see how much trouble i get in for starting it…

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.

“It sure was”, said the little girl. “My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F@#%,” the rottweiler ate him!”
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A man is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”

The man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers—who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds—and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence. He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the balls to make a point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file…when did that happen?”

The man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”
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A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

“Ten pounds,” he replies.

“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds.”

“We’ll send someone over.”

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds!”

“Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”

The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”


#2

My son told me one today.

Dad, what’s more deadly than a AR15?

I don’t know son, what?

He holds up a pen and walks away.


#3

Little Red Wagon

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog
and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks” the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little Partner”, the fire fighter says, "I don’t want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, too -
I think you could go faster.

"The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I
wouldn’t have a siren.”


#4

I watched Obamas inaugeration on youtube, it was pretty funny.


#5

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into
a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into
The garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather
out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, ‘Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?’


#6

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#7

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

The others were surprised and asked him, “Where’s Joe?”

“Joe fell and broke his leg. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

The other hunters were even more surprised at this and asked him, “'You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?”

The hunter nodded and said, “It was a tough call, but I figured no one is going to steal Joe!”


#8

My Grandpa: Your generation relies too much on technology.
Me: No, your generation relies too much on technology, Then I unplugged his life support.


#10

I would think we should try to keep things somewhere in the neighborhood of PG13 just out of respect for other members that don’t quite have the same twisted sense of humor. :wink:


#11

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#12

Cleanest one I can think of:

A professor is sent to Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math…all that nonsense.

One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child. The angry chief pulls the professor aside and says, “You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to see what went on here!”

The professor replied, “No, Chief. Let me explain. What you see is a natural occurrence! where I am from this is called an albino! Ill prove it! Look in that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. See, these things happen.”

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about the sheep and I won’t say anything more about the child.”


#13

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#15

The General had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper’s bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. The General yelled at a passing sergeant. “Hey, isn’t somebody going to kill that damned sniper?” The sergeant looked down at the General and replied: “I guess not, General. If we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot.”


#16

I am attempting to increase my helmet collection. This is how it works, right? Just joking.

image


#18

There are two types of people in this world.
Those who can extrapolate from an incomplete data set.


#23

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.


#31

Defiinitly, hit the titty bar and have a few Brawndos.


#36

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.


#37

Well then I guess it worked. :nerd_face:


#38

So this blond woman reads about a skin care therapy called a milk bath.
She calls here local dairy and asks them to deliver a bunch of milk to her apartment.
They show up with and she leads them to the bathroom, strips naked and gets in the tub. She says, "OK. Start pouring the milk.
Unsure of what to do the dairy guy asks. Pasteurized?

She says no. Up to my boobs is fine.