And see how much trouble i get in for starting it…
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.
“It sure was”, said the little girl. “My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F@#%,” the rottweiler ate him!”
A man is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”
The man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers—who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds—and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence. He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the balls to make a point.
St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file…when did that happen?”
The man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”
A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
“Ten pounds,” he replies.
“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds.”
“We’ll send someone over.”
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds!”
“Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”
The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”