What I have learned when heading South (or East)


#1

I learned something down in America. There is a difference between Canadian and American foods. That difference is, Canadian food isn’t actively trying to murder you. Everything in the States is insane, dipped in batter, rolled in butter, a mars bar hidden in it.

The biggest difference between Canadian and American foods can be found in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. I don’t know if you’ve been in an American Supermarket recently but Canada as a nation is getting hosed on sugar cereals. They’ve got things we’ve never seen. When I was down south I counted four different types of Cap’n Crunch. Four. We have one. We have regular Cap’n Crunch that’s it. You know it and you love it. Red box, blue uniform, white mustache, it’s the Cap’n. He does not hold a navel rank of any kind. It’s right there on the box. “C” “A” “P” apostrophe “N”. Cap’n. That is a nickname at best.

Actually in Quebec he’s Capitan Crouche. The Quebecois gave him full honours. Personally I don’t trust the French side of the box. I don’t understand why sounds are different in French. You tell me that now that I’m in Quebec if I bite into a biscuit I’ll hear a crouche ? I know what crunches are; Quebecers can go jump in a lake on this point.

If you’ve never had Cap’n Crunch it’s a delicious cereal that hurts your face. The three main ingredients in that cereal are sugar, crack cocaine, and fiberglass. If you eat a bowl of that cereal it will shred the roof of your mouth like you were eating brillo pad cereal, and you’re already pouring another bowl because you’re addicted and you can’t stop.

They have four! Number 1 is also regular Cap’n Crunch. It would be weird if they didn’t have that.
Number 2 is Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch. Yeah. Because in the United States Cap’n Crunch doesn’t give a care about allergies. He’s straight up murdering kids at breakfast.

Third type of Cap’n Crunch is Cap’n Crunch With Crunchberries. What the hell is a Crunchberry? Forgive me, I’m not a botanist. I’m not familiar with the plant that gives off the Crunchberry fruit. I can tell you it does not grow in a northern climate because we do not have crunchberries in Canada. They only grow in the States, and not in enough abundance to share with the rest of the world. Which makes the fourth type even more infuriating, because the fourth type is Oops Just Crunchberries. That’s the name of the cereal: Cap’n Crunch Oops Just Crunchberries. It’s a box of crunchberries. There’s no Cap’n Crunch in there. That means that their crunchberry surplus is so vast they’re able to fill entire boxes with the stuff and then pass it off as an accident. “We didn’t even mean to make this.” Now I don’t know when this crunchberry embargo was levied against our nation, but it is time for it to stop! I’ve already started a very angry letter writing campaign to my member of parliament to lift this ban on crunchberries because I believe it is my right as a Canadian to eat seven different colours and still just poop green for some reason. That is what happens when you eat a box of crunchberries; I have done the research.


#2

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Already cabin fever time of year?


#3

OMG! You’re gonna be pissed when you find out about the chocolate frosted flakes. They’re Grrrrreat! And Chchchchcocolate!


#4

Uhh regular capn crunch is peanut butter flavored. Only one ive ever known anyway lol


#5

#6

Omg Cinnamon Crunch? Do want.


#7

:joy::joy::joy: I needed that good laugh. Thank you.


#8

And that’s why borders are important! Ha ha ha!!!

This is the hardest I have laughed all day!


#9

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: I just peed a little.


#10

The crunchberries grow on Crunchberry Island, which was discovered by the Cap’n and his crew, around 1969. Quaker obtained exclusive rights to the island, once they learned of the addictive properties of the berries.

If any were shipped north of the border, that would mean less crunchberries for us. Less crunchberries would be bad. It could trigger withdrawal symptoms, and we don’t want that.


#11

On a serious note . Why in gods name would you even eat that crap . We did not let our kids have it and they don’t give it to thier kids either


#12

I believe the milk added is worse than the sugar, crack cocaine, and fiberglass.


#13

Breakfast atGrandmas house was eggs pancakes oatmeal and eather bacon sausage or side meat all grown right there on the farm And the milk was from our own cows and eggs from chickens we raised . Hell we even made sorghum molasses .


#14

Holy cow bells… I needed that.


#15

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: lmfao!


#16

I am glad those of us south of Canada can provide basic survival skills, starting with a breakfast. Fiberglass is good roughage and the sugar is a dynamic “binding agent”. :wink: