I learned something down in America. There is a difference between Canadian and American foods. That difference is, Canadian food isn’t actively trying to murder you. Everything in the States is insane, dipped in batter, rolled in butter, a mars bar hidden in it.
The biggest difference between Canadian and American foods can be found in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. I don’t know if you’ve been in an American Supermarket recently but Canada as a nation is getting hosed on sugar cereals. They’ve got things we’ve never seen. When I was down south I counted four different types of Cap’n Crunch. Four. We have one. We have regular Cap’n Crunch that’s it. You know it and you love it. Red box, blue uniform, white mustache, it’s the Cap’n. He does not hold a navel rank of any kind. It’s right there on the box. “C” “A” “P” apostrophe “N”. Cap’n. That is a nickname at best.
Actually in Quebec he’s Capitan Crouche. The Quebecois gave him full honours. Personally I don’t trust the French side of the box. I don’t understand why sounds are different in French. You tell me that now that I’m in Quebec if I bite into a biscuit I’ll hear a crouche ? I know what crunches are; Quebecers can go jump in a lake on this point.
If you’ve never had Cap’n Crunch it’s a delicious cereal that hurts your face. The three main ingredients in that cereal are sugar, crack cocaine, and fiberglass. If you eat a bowl of that cereal it will shred the roof of your mouth like you were eating brillo pad cereal, and you’re already pouring another bowl because you’re addicted and you can’t stop.
They have four! Number 1 is also regular Cap’n Crunch. It would be weird if they didn’t have that.
Number 2 is Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch. Yeah. Because in the United States Cap’n Crunch doesn’t give a care about allergies. He’s straight up murdering kids at breakfast.
Third type of Cap’n Crunch is Cap’n Crunch With Crunchberries. What the hell is a Crunchberry? Forgive me, I’m not a botanist. I’m not familiar with the plant that gives off the Crunchberry fruit. I can tell you it does not grow in a northern climate because we do not have crunchberries in Canada. They only grow in the States, and not in enough abundance to share with the rest of the world. Which makes the fourth type even more infuriating, because the fourth type is Oops Just Crunchberries. That’s the name of the cereal: Cap’n Crunch Oops Just Crunchberries. It’s a box of crunchberries. There’s no Cap’n Crunch in there. That means that their crunchberry surplus is so vast they’re able to fill entire boxes with the stuff and then pass it off as an accident. “We didn’t even mean to make this.” Now I don’t know when this crunchberry embargo was levied against our nation, but it is time for it to stop! I’ve already started a very angry letter writing campaign to my member of parliament to lift this ban on crunchberries because I believe it is my right as a Canadian to eat seven different colours and still just poop green for some reason. That is what happens when you eat a box of crunchberries; I have done the research.